Xanthe's Pregnancy

We planned and dearly wanted Xanthe. We were very happy in Stamford and Xanthe's pregnancy was a very joyful and positive one. We love being parents to our son and could not wait to have our 2 children with us.


Emma had a PET scan (Positron Emission Tomography, like an elaborate CAT scan) after a blood test result suggested that her previous melanoma had metastisized. When the results came back clear we felt so pleased and even more overjoyed a month later when we found that Emma was pregnant straight away. We felt so lucky.


Emma had such overpowering morning sickness with Xanthe, so we told everyone almost immediately that she was pregnant. We integrated "new baby" (as we called Xanthe) into our conversations, our son's bedtime songs, into all our plans and our future. We all talked to Xanthe each day; her brother told Xanthe just a few days before she was born "Mummy nice, baby out".


We, naively, were not at all nervous about Xanthe's pregnancy. As everything had gone so perfectly with our son  (despite Emma's rising blood pressure and a very long and arduous natural labour) we felt assured that Xanthe's pregnancy would be fine. As we got closer and closer to Xanthe's due date (30th March) and then eventually passed it we got more and more excited. Emma had even contemplated the vague, but unlikely, possibility that she would die in labour (and had hidden a note for Alex to read if she did die) but neither Alex nor Emma considered that Xanthe would be dead; it seems absolutely against the natural order of things. We were prepared for the fact that Xanthe might be disabled as we refused the Down's test etc (she wasn't though). We just wanted our little daughter.


Emma's pregnancy was so peaceful and so easy. Each ultrasound scan, each antenatal visit went like clockwork with no problems at all. Xanthe moved slowly, gently through the days, just gradually slowing down (as did our son) as term approached. We went to Norway at Christmas time, where we had a wonderful time. We were even more excited as we talked about what Christmas in 2008 would be like as Xanthe would probably have been walking by then and enjoying opening her presents with our son.


Xanthe's name means "yellow" or "golden haired". Our two favourite girls names (we dearly wanted a girl this time) were Xanthe and Hope. Just after Xanthe was born we were asked what her name was, we chose Xanthe because it is a beautiful name and it suited her. Xanthe had absolutely beautiful chestnut golden hair, far darker than her Mummy or Daddy's hair, darker than we had imagined.


When Emma was pregnant she first wore lots of reds (instead of her usual black) and then by the spring was consumed by the colour yellow (she craved colours like some people crave food; strange but true). The cottage was filled with yellow things and many of the things that we bought for Xanthe were yellow (including the yellow blanket her Granny knitted her) When you live in the countryside you become very aware of the natural world and everything outside seemed to be yellow. The back garden was filled with yellow flowers, outside the front beside the river there was an abundance of wild yellow spring flowers, the parks were filled with yellow; perhaps it was this reflection of the outside world. Anyway, Xanthe's name suited her for so many reasons. We love her name and think she'd have loved it too.


She always kicked and hiccuped more gently than her brother (who has always been a wriggler). We saw her sucking, swallowing and moving happily in our 20 week ultrasound scan. We did not know she was a girl (the hospital refuse to tell parents) but we were pretty certain she was as the pregnancy was so different from our son's pregnancy.


Xanthe was a beautiful baby daughter. She weighed 8Ib 3oz (like our son did at birth). Xanthe was long and slender with large graceful hands and feet. She did not open her eyes but they must have been blue, like ours. She had a beautiful long mouth and a tiny snub nose. It was painfully easy to see beyond the signs of death and believe she just slept. It was very, very hard to leave her and go home alone.